Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Once Upon A Time...

Just before these days of The Flying Tortoise, there was a simply gorgeous 1952 Morris Commercial LC3 truck with a plywood box on the back. For six years the 3.2 x 2.2 x 2m space, 7 sq m, (74 sq ft) was this person's home. Totally Zen in it's simplicity and with a bed, shower, toilet, work area, galley, dining and sun deck, it was like living in a piece of art. Power came courtesy of the Sun and it was called 'Good Things Take Time'.
Nowdays you might find her in Glenorchy, near Queenstown, deep in the south of New Zealand.

Good Things Take Time...

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Bureaucratic Genes. One Size Fits All...

Scientists announced today, that they have, after many decades, finally isolated and identified the source of the Bureaucratic Gene... not only that but they have confirmed without doubt that the gene is stimulated or aroused when the carrier, of either sex is given powers of decision making or authority above their level of competence... (see also the Peter Principle).
It should be noted that this gene is present but latent in most of mankind.

The Gene is also activated as a result of, and especially the human male by the wearing of clothing known as a 'Uniform' or 'Badges' denoting authority. This particular example of the species is often to be seen with very closely cropped hair, particular styles of facial hair and the wearing of dark glasses even when in a dimly lit environment.
It is common for this sort of incompetent to be found in local government or in governmental departments... (note the word mental within the full word) especially those dealing with members of the public... often these men are very short... the reason for this is still mystifying scientists as they probe further into the mysteries of this phenomonem.

Well known Itinerant, Soothsayer and Progressive Luddite, Keith Levy, whoever he is, is on a mission to rid the world of this 'disease that is crippling mankind with their PCisms' as he puts it.
'I would like to shoot these idiots!' he says 'but no matter how many letters I write in triplicate and no matter how much I pay in fees or how many consultants are involved at enormous costs, they persistently refuse to issue me with a gun licence!'
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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Flying Tortoise at Hamurana...

On the northern shore of New Zealands Lake Rotorua, there's a scattering of dwellings and one small general store...
A few hundred metres walk along the lake edge and there, next to the golf course is The Hamurana Springs. You might expect the sign to say 'World Famous' but it doesn't. A gentle stroll through some wonderful Redwoods and a few minutes later you are at the springs source... take a bottle with you when you come here... fill it with the most delicious water you will ever taste...
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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Bringing Home The Bacon...

In mid 2008, approximately 15kg of Francis Bacon was sold at auction
by Sotheby's for $86,000,000.
Today it's possible to buy a kg of Bacon at most supermarkets
for around $9.99.
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Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Strange Birds...

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And Birds of a Feather...

The shellbank between Kaiaua and Miranda is one of the most
popular 'resting places' in New Zealand... the Godwits return from the other side of the world to the Seabird Coast on the Firth of Thames each September.
The most famous of these little birds is E7 who in 2007 made her migration from Alaska back to New Zealand, a distance of 11,500 kilometers in 8 days of non stop flying.

The Flying Tortoise likes to stop at least every 90 minutes for refreshments...

The Shellbank and 'Rays Rest' is also the resting place of the common White Plastic Wheelie Bins, who flock to this area in their droves all year long... often to try and catch the flounder who are supposed to be there... their main homing grounds are the suburbs and while they pretend a type of independence they do seem to have insecurity problems and need their mates to nestle close and attend them.
The male of the species, will, on arrival at these sacred grounds, erect his antenna, pointing it northwards towards where the Gods of Entertainment and News abide, and then he and his mate will join other 'birds of the same feather' and watch the screen and other lives till sleep claims them and they dream till the dawn...

Friday, February 27, 2009

The Bedford New Zealand Rally 2009...

You just might see many weird and wonderful old Bedfords at
the numerous Bedford rallies happening throughout New Zealand this year...
The main North Island rally will be held at Ambury Park in South Auckland
at Labour Weekend in October.
For further information, email
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Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Flying Tortoise and Earthrace in Whangarei on the same day...

Thousands of visitors and locals queued in the sunshine today for tours of the World's slowest airbus and the fastest boat to ever circle the globe...
Whangarei turned on a spectacular day and as we go to press, 11,932 people had toured the spacious Flying Tortoise Wide Bodied Harebus and only 14 people were able to squeeze onboard the very cramped but never the less impressive Earthrace...
And yes... a race is on the cards... place your bets... The Flying Tortoise leaves tomorrow for Auckland and Earthrace will compete in the race to Auckland but is going fishing for a few days enroute...
Sound familiar?

Check out
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Sunday, February 15, 2009

Friday, February 13, 2009

NZ Government Official attempts to murder Ant...

In one of the many attempts by NZ bureaucracy today to deal with the Ant invasion,
a Government agent makes a futile attempt to snuff out the life of
one of the estimated 31 billion ants recently
arrived from Antartica. (see previous story)
When shown this disturbing photo of an ants' near death experience,
the country's Presidant was visibly shocked and distraught.
My God, he said that is my cousin Anthony...
please don't show me any more.
He has a wife and a young family still here
and they will have to fend for themselves!

When told that the authorities here were considering using chemical warfare such as Raid and Black Flag on his countrymen and women, the Presidant visibly shook and for the first time in the history of Antartica, turned into the first white Presidant!

We wait now for what is sure to be international condemnation of New Zealand
as governments of the world begin to meet in emergency sessions.
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Antarticans invade New Zealand...

31 billion new immigrants arrive in NZ!

The largest ever influx of skilled migrants has secretly arrived in New Zealand over the last few weeks this intrepid journalist has discovered...
Believed to be at least 31 billion skilled Ants have arrived in God's Own in specially chartered Boeing aircraft from their homeland Antartica.

Immigration officials are frantically tying to find accomodation and jobs for the new arrivals but they seem skilled at finding their own.
Very few of the new arrivals have work permits or even visitors visas and neighbourhoods are fearful they will join the already increasing numbers of street workers.
City councils are busy as we speak drafting new bylaws to prevent them working in close proximity to play centres and churches.

The new National government, not yet through it's first crucial 100 days is thought to be having secret talks with it's old nemisis and ex Minister of Foreign Affairs, You Know Who.

The NZ government has imposed a complete ban on publishing photos of Antarticans because they don't want to have to see them interviewed on the media or appearing on Youtube... however watch this space... we intend to be first with candid interviews and compromising videos.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Strange said Sauntering Snail...

as we made our way back from the beach.
"just how many of the folk in their white plastic wheelie bins
put up their TV antennas as soon as they get anywhere
so they can watch what something that's happening somewhere else.
And tomorrow they will go to another place without
seeing the beauty of where they've been!"
"We live in very strange times Snail," said Tortoise.
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Worlds Oldest Footprint Authenticated...

First found by holiday makers at a remote Northland New Zealand beach
earlier this year, it has been confirmed by one of the world's most eminent palaeoethnologists
that it's size and unique shape represents characteristics that make it almost as old as Adam,
says Dr Sigmund Ripley of the famous Believe it Or Not family.
I am convinced that this footprint belonged to Adam's younger twin brother Brian.

Carbon and Speed dating tests completed at the prestigious Bagdad Institute in Iraq
confirm the footprint is very very old. Probably even older.

No sighting of the left footprint has yet been made even though an international
team of experts are even now combing the area.
This is exciting and expectable too says Ripley and further supports my contention
that this is Brian's because he had only one foot! And Ripley screams excitedly, this is the
right one, not the wrong one. Brian did not have a left foot!

This is the most important discovery of all time, well of this month certainly,
says Dr Ripley and will prove once and for all that New Zealand was in fact
the Biblical Garden of Eden!
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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Tortoise Thinks...

If God wanted us to be naked,
we would have been born that way!

Uretiti is probably New Zealand's best known Naturist beach.
Enter at the southern most beach access from the DOC campground and when
you hit the beach, take a step to the right and let them drop!
It's a great life!
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Monday, February 9, 2009

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

You probably read the Alchemist many years ago... the wonderful story of a little shepherd boy whose adventures enable him to do what is the most important thing in the world for each of us... fulfilling our own personal destiny.
Hare on The Flying Tortoise there is a Paulo Coelho book fest going on... Do read The Zahir, please, a truely remarkable book. Eleven Minutes and The Devil and Miss Flym are just a couple more compelling books from this stunning author...
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